Max Payne * * 1/2
Directed by: John Moore / 2008
Hey BRO, I just kicked off feBROary with the most amazingly madhouse of a movie called "Max Payne". You heard of it? It’s based after a video game. You a gamer? I’m not, used to when I was younger, but that’s cool cause the movie didn’t even need to have good story development or anything to get my investment. Let’s blow that S*%T up! Marky Mark is looking cut in it and he’s pissed cause somebody killed his wife and daughter way back. He’s on the loose and beating up bad guys cause he met some hot babe (well, not really cause I think she kinda looks like Kumar with a wig on, at least in that last James Bond movie poster I saw…ya know, Harold’s White Castle buddy?) for one night and then two minutes later somebody murdered her and planted Max’s I.D. badge on her body. No joke. I was like, “What?!” So, Max just goes ape and uncovers a ton of stuff and with the aid of that Jackie girl from “That ‘70s Show”, whom I think should just stick to receiving her butt-load of royalty checks from that sitcom’s glorious run on syndication. So Marky Max…he goes and beats up Chris O’Donnel, who we haven’t seen in a movie since “Batman & Robin”. Chris is cool and all, but didn’t age well and I bet that is why he’s been in hiding. Remember when I took that picture of his hot mug from People Magazine back in 1996 cause I wanted a fine example of how to get my hair cut for the salon girls? Yep. But, dude…I don’t want his hair now. Anyway, so Max keeps killing people and blowing stuff up and then there is this one part that has him getting nearly frozen to death…to DEATH, bro!...and then he miraculously crawls out of the frozen ice (and thankfully the bad guys quit shooting at him, as bad guys always give up way too easy!) gets whack drunk on this crazy blue liquid stuff that the U.S. military designed to calm down troops in battle, yet it fills them with awesome Terminator-like strength. It’s not really rage, just soothes them and brings peace so they can go into battle and DESTROY. But, the dudes I saw swill it earlier in the film could have already kicked my butt, even if my butt was juiced on the blue stuff. But, whatever. So, Mark (aka: Max Payne) took like a double-dose of this stuff and started getting crunked-out. I guess he didn’t know that you’d see winged demons flying all over the place after you drank it. He just thought those other poor suckers who took it were hallucinatin’ or something? Also, he took the stuff and become unfrozen and got right up and the constant snow that was falling for the entire movie turned to pieces of burning ash and then Max Payne just went downtown on a ton more bad guys until he got to the final bad guy boss. It’s tight. WAY TIGHT. OK, so mark off the checklist dude, because this movie has winged demons and ash falling from the city at all times…and a ton of ripped dudes with machetes, hot babes and guns. Why didn’t we see this in the theater on the big screen and in surround stereo sound!? Also, I shouldn’t forget to mention that “Max Payne” has some mega sweet effects that are sorta like “The Matrix”, but visually it's one of many movies that are trying to milk that whole "Sin City" thing but just don't make the cut, ya know? Ya know, on that "Matrix" thing though, slow-motion acrobatic gun battles with different levels of bad guys and stuff? Sweeeeet. But, Marky Mark is no Keanu Reeves. But, in the end, Max Payne kills all the guys that made him so pissed off in the first place cause they are the same guys that were involved with killing his wife and daughter. Can you believe that? Yeah, so, it was awesome, of course. It IS awesome. I think I want to be a gamer again now. Later, I gotta hit Best Buy now to go purchase a new gaming system and “Max Payne” the video game (heck, maybe the whole franchise) and the DVD or maybe even Blu-Ray cause I've always wanted one of those and why not? Later. Oh, and say hello to your mother for me.