DJG / Max Payne

Max Payne * * 1/2
Directed by: John Moore / 2008

Hey BRO, I just kicked off feBROary with the most amazingly madhouse of a movie called "Max Payne". You heard of it? It’s based after a video game. You a gamer? I’m not, used to when I was younger, but that’s cool cause the movie didn’t even need to have good story development or anything to get my investment. Let’s blow that S*%T up! Marky Mark is looking cut in it and he’s pissed cause somebody killed his wife and daughter way back. He’s on the loose and beating up bad guys cause he met some hot babe (well, not really cause I think she kinda looks like Kumar with a wig on, at least in that last James Bond movie poster I saw…ya know, Harold’s White Castle buddy?) for one night and then two minutes later somebody murdered her and planted Max’s I.D. badge on her body. No joke. I was like, “What?!” So, Max just goes ape and uncovers a ton of stuff and with the aid of that Jackie girl from “That ‘70s Show”, whom I think should just stick to receiving her butt-load of royalty checks from that sitcom’s glorious run on syndication. So Marky Max…he goes and beats up Chris O’Donnel, who we haven’t seen in a movie since “Batman & Robin”. Chris is cool and all, but didn’t age well and I bet that is why he’s been in hiding. Remember when I took that picture of his hot mug from People Magazine back in 1996 cause I wanted a fine example of how to get my hair cut for the salon girls? Yep. But, dude…I don’t want his hair now. Anyway, so Max keeps killing people and blowing stuff up and then there is this one part that has him getting nearly frozen to death…to DEATH, bro!...and then he miraculously crawls out of the frozen ice (and thankfully the bad guys quit shooting at him, as bad guys always give up way too easy!) gets whack drunk on this crazy blue liquid stuff that the U.S. military designed to calm down troops in battle, yet it fills them with awesome Terminator-like strength. It’s not really rage, just soothes them and brings peace so they can go into battle and DESTROY. But, the dudes I saw swill it earlier in the film could have already kicked my butt, even if my butt was juiced on the blue stuff. But, whatever. So, Mark (aka: Max Payne) took like a double-dose of this stuff and started getting crunked-out. I guess he didn’t know that you’d see winged demons flying all over the place after you drank it. He just thought those other poor suckers who took it were hallucinatin’ or something? Also, he took the stuff and become unfrozen and got right up and the constant snow that was falling for the entire movie turned to pieces of burning ash and then Max Payne just went downtown on a ton more bad guys until he got to the final bad guy boss. It’s tight. WAY TIGHT. OK, so mark off the checklist dude, because this movie has winged demons and ash falling from the city at all times…and a ton of ripped dudes with machetes, hot babes and guns. Why didn’t we see this in the theater on the big screen and in surround stereo sound!? Also, I shouldn’t forget to mention that “Max Payne” has some mega sweet effects that are sorta like “The Matrix”, but visually it's one of many movies that are trying to milk that whole "Sin City" thing but just don't make the cut, ya know? Ya know, on that "Matrix" thing though, slow-motion acrobatic gun battles with different levels of bad guys and stuff? Sweeeeet. But, Marky Mark is no Keanu Reeves. But, in the end, Max Payne kills all the guys that made him so pissed off in the first place cause they are the same guys that were involved with killing his wife and daughter. Can you believe that? Yeah, so, it was awesome, of course. It IS awesome. I think I want to be a gamer again now. Later, I gotta hit Best Buy now to go purchase a new gaming system and “Max Payne” the video game (heck, maybe the whole franchise) and the DVD or maybe even Blu-Ray cause I've always wanted one of those and why not? Later. Oh, and say hello to your mother for me.

-djg

DJG / Wanted

Wanted * * * ½
Directed by: Timu Bekmambetov / 2008

I’ve wanted to see “Wanted” ever since I saw its Super Bowl commercial spots from earlier this year. On top of the sheer awesomeness in film perspective that the clips gave me, I also thought about how awesome the marketing was to secure Super Bowl advertising time for the millions of violence loving football guys watching (Oh, and most guys love Angelina Jolie too). I know that the day after The Super Bowl, I was one of many young men You Tubing the trailer, passing it to their buddies and posting fan-boy blogs about it. Unfortunately, I somehow missed the film when it finally came to theaters six months later. With the exception of maybe an advanced screening or opening night, I doubt that the film packed out theatres, but I would have loved to see this one with a wound-up crowd fist pumping and laughing hysterically. OK…Imagine a two thousand-year-old elite group of assassins generically called “The Fraternity” given secret killing assignments based on microscopic binary code-like letters deciphered by boss man Morgan Freeman on a tapestry created by a giant ancient loom. Mix this original screenplay writing genius with the typical cliché plot route feature of a “Rouge” assassin hunting all the other assassins down and then throw in a totally hot assassin babe mentoring a young new guy discovering that he too possesses his recently departed father’s assassin skills and destiny to kill instead of working in an office cubicle and in a matter of a days he beefs up and becomes the greatest assassin to ever live and you’ve got a movie called “Wanted”. What the heck am I doing working in my own office cubicle job when I could be writing Hollywood action fantasy flick genius like this? Oh and don’t forget a garbage truck full of peanut buttered rats and a key board that gets smacked against some jerk’s face with letters flying to the camera spelling out “F#*K YOU”. Yep…do I need to say more? Oh, and of course there is a message about how you’ve got to take hold of your life and make what you want of it. Heck yeah! I’m not making this stuff up. If films could produce babies, “Wanted” would be the offspring of a three-way between “Shoot ‘em Up”, “The Matrix” and “Fight Club”. It’s not as great of a film as those (the last two being groundbreaking masterpieces), but every bit ridiculous and over-the-top-awesome in scope and merge of action and technology. If my enthusiasm in writing this review adds up to cinema treasure for you as easily as a Super Bowl commercial teaser did for me, then put “Wanted” on your list. I think I’ll now stop writing reviews and get to writing action movies.

-djg